My Most Expensive Shoes ever!

My love affair with shoes was not a story for the ages, I never had this epiphany at a young age that I needed pretty shoes to survive, or make myself feel better.  It would be years by the time my shoe epiphany came, but for the majority of my life till now, I’ve been a bag and wallet person, with multiple sets matching and non-matching, but to me shoes were for the feet, to be used until they’re dead, so what was the need for nice shoes.  I never even felt the Match-the-shoes-with-your-bag thing applied to me anyway.  I was in my own drum and I was not going to move!

My shoe history was a simple one, I picked shoes that fit, that were comfortable, and were most of all CHEAP!  I had to have cheap shoes, because I was that type of person who would abuse their shoes until the cows came home, and there was no point in buying nice expensive high tops to wear everyday.  It just didn’t make sense to me, nor the people who purchased those shoes.  I would see shoe closets in many closet redo’s on HGTV, and I would see those shoes as excess, even though my hat/bag/wallet collection started to grow larger by the day.  I saw these shoes as expensive candy, too pretty to touch, and way too expensive to eat, or as beautiful decorations, too pretty to take down and wear…I was just not that type of person who liked shoes.  In college I only owned 5 pairs: flip-flops, flats, tennis shoes, a staple black pair of heels and lastly, boots.  I really never purchased in excess until Payless started selling cute flats in their American Eagle collection with skull and cross-bones on them (calling all Goths!), and then I started having over 10 pairs of flats with different skull and crossbones on them, along with some boots from Hot Topic, and flip-flops from Walgreens.  The thing was, I may have purchased these multiple shoes, they never peaked past the $10 mark, if at that.  I was cheap when it came to shoes because they went only on my feet.  But I did start collecting them…that is until they started to stink!!!!  Then off to the junk yard (or dog chew toy) with you!  I was also an avid shopper at Marshall’s, TJ MAXX, and Ross for cheap awesome shoes, but they never really ranged out of the flat/flip-flop territory, but I did used to wear heels and was quite good at running around in them.  That is until my framing accident in which a giant ass frame fell on my leg, skinning my shin and the bone, and now the doctor tells me I have to keep heels low, wide, and no more stillettos…suckage!  But since I was more of a flip-flop girl anyway, there was no need to worry.

oh, behave. (27/365)

When I started subbing, and therefore teaching in general, I realized the importance of shoes; I started realizing that having a nice pair meant a world of difference than actually not having a really good pair.  So, I spent a great deal of time looking at shoes that were comfortable, yet affordable, and were good for one school year, due to constant wear and the required standing at all times in the classroom.  I even had a shoe fall apart in class one day and I just wandered in flip-flops for comfort.   I started to realize that I was spending more on shoes that were liquid than shoes that were stable and would not fall apart easily.  The problem to me was that I was making an investment on a pair of shoes that were A) Out of my price range for affordability, and B) once they were done, that was it, they were done!

What really changed my mind about the shoe problem was an article posted on Nubby Twiglet’s site called “Shoe Care Made Simple.”  After reading the article, I learned a few things about shoe care, and how I can make that expensive investment work!  One, not to leave them in a box lying on their sides!  I did that with some cheap flats and they bent themselves out of shape, also on a neat pair of faux-suede shoes, I smooshed them into my luggage bag and now the tips have a permanent crease in them!!!  Another was to treat the shoes with a spray so that stains won’t hurt the shoes and to wash them down after wear to get any contaminants off of the shoes-Makes sense since I dropped enchilada goo all over a cute set of flats I purchased from Payless and now there’s a grease stain all over the tip of the shoe making them an embarrassment to wear. 

With these tips in hand (and printed out and hung on my wall in my closet for future shoe reference), I started out on a search for a pair of shoes that I could “Invest” in.  While on my search, which took me through Nine West, Marc Jacobs, Betsey Johnson, and other notables, I was under sticker shock!  I’m the ever good deal searcher, and even at the best of sales I was going to shell out around $70+!!!! Not for cheapo me!

So many books, so little time

I felt a bit disheartened, I like shoes, they’re very pretty, but that sticker price kept making me feel like my wallet was flying out of my purse and onto the shoe store’s floor, ummm no!  So I decided to put my shoe escapade off for a while, and let the shoes come to me by chance.   Then one day, it was as if angels were making music, I was going to drop off an application at a store (bad news btw) for a summer job when my mother and I walked by Bakers Shoes!  My mother happened across a teacher, well beyond her years, wearing shoes meant for women my age, and she wanted to show me what they looked like.  We walked into the store and lo and behold next to the for sale sign was a pair of vintage-inspired shoes that most likely came down from Mount Olympus!  I was smitten.

They’re called Juliet 2, and come in three colors: Bone, Green and Black. I tried the green shoes on for a size 7 (I range from 6.5 – 7.5 in some shoes), and they fit like a glove, which never happens because I seem to have a larger left foot than most other women, but nonetheless the shoes fit!  AND they had the mother seal of approval!!!  But the tag read $49.99 marked down from $62.99, even $50 was too steep for cheapo me, and my mother could see my disapproval.  She then told me that sometimes we just have to splurge on ourselves and I purchased the shoes anyway.  Sadly, I forgot to purchase the sole guard from Bakers, so now my pretty shoes are stuck in shoe box purgatory until I can get some sole guards for them.  If I’m going to take the time and purchase these pretty shoes, then I’m going to take care of them.  For now they sit on the top shelf of my closet, waiting to be put on.  With the closing of school happening, I may not have a chance to wear them till fall, that is unless I’m invited to a wedding this summer (A garden wedding nonetheless) because now I have shoes to match a really awesome lipstick!!!

Dreamers, are you like me and an avid cheap shoe shopper?  Are you the opposite; have you always loved shoes?  Tell me your stories!

The Newly Shoe Obsessed, Oracle of Dreams

Great sites to check out:

Sources: Fancy House Road, Innaminnafly, Sophie May, Lime Crime Makeup

16 Things I learned While Subbing – Parts 9 – 16

EXPO COLEX in Santos-Sao Paulo


Now for my final installment of things I learned while subbing.  These are mostly ideas that popped in my head as classroom management ideas when things started getting out of hand.  So these explanations are going to be small, if not just a couple of sentences, these options are just about how to keep life simple for the teacher. Sometimes the best way for classroom management is to bring stamps, stickers and candy…even in the High School Level.  

birthday balloons.9. Do give those with B-Days Recognition!

In High School, I resented the fact that I was not one of these “COOL Kids” who had a birthday during the school year, where I got nifty balloons and candy, cupcakes, and presents to tote around school for the whole day, being the princess.  Woe to my low self-esteem.  Now as a teacher I realized by allowing the recognition of a students birthday, no matter how small, is a great step in classroom management.  While I resented the fact that girls got balloons, I had always liked the teacher recognizing the birthdays in class, it was a nice gesture.  That hasn’t changed at all, the students listen better and respect the teacher.  Just Long-Term subbing and acknowledging birthdays made the classroom management better than classes where I didn’t.  Strange!


10. Do offer candy as a treat, prize, or Good Job!


Who wouldn’t do anything for candy (Also in sugar-free!).  For those who choose not to receive tasty sweet treats, I also offer my students snack options that range from Potato Chips to Goldfish (god bless Costco and Sam’s).  Seriously, need I say more?


245/365 - 4/2/2009

11. Do have decorations in the classroom!

I know most of us have been there, a teacher who was so dull, that all four walls of his/her (mostly his) classroom was the same stark white from when the school first opened.  While subbing, even I felt like a closet shut-in, wanting an escape from all the monotony, and stuffiness of a bare white-walled classroom.  You could see it in the students eyes too, they were bored out of their minds, they were coloring to bring some life into this classroom, and I felt sorry for them.  I also realized that teachers who did take time to create some semblance of a decorated classroom, had better classrooms in general as far as attitude went.  Again there are always exception to the rule, and it really depends on the personality of the student rather than the teacher or the classroom itself, I just noticed that a little effort went a long way.  Remember #5, the clean classroom rule?  These decorated classes had better management with mess than others!!!


12. Do at parent night, have parents sign a card themselves.

Self explanatory, since most parents try to have some contact with their child’s teacher, this idea only benefits the teacher since they have, at close hand, the student’s parental information, in case anything goes wrong.


The Ultimate School Folders

13. Do have an organized sub folder!

Geeze, this one was very personal, I cannot count how many times I had come into a classroom, where there was a sub folder with information in it from *GASP* two six weeks ago, but they were so disorganized that I couldn’t tell if their seating chart was up to date.  Worse yet, I’ve had teachers NOT LEAVE SUB PLANS AT ALL, and I had to pull out plans, along with other teachers, to fill up the whole class day!  I promised myself, and in my notebook, I even wrote “PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER DO THIS AT ALL” in the margins, with stars, exclamation points, and skull and crossbones.   I promised myself that my sub folder will contain up to date information, referrals (what sub cannot live without these), a sheet for a sub to write their notes on including an area to write their name with their sub ID# incase someone was very exceptional, and ALWAYS grade the work, I had assigned for the substitute, even if it doesn’t need grading!  How many times have I subbed and these little jerks always tell me that the teacher wont grade them, and I promised myself that would be the case.  I would also tell the sub NOT TO TRUST ANY OF THEM, THEY ALL LIE!


Ticket King Kohl Center seating chart

 14. Do have a seating chart!

This I learned from a Long-Term subbing assignment.  I had a class of talkers, and none of them would listen to me at all!!!!  THe seating chart was bogus, and they were so snotty, that they just laughed at me when I told them to move back.  I got the better of them, I stacked the chairs to one side of the room, and put their names on the floor and told them to sit on their name.  They thought it was a game and did so, then the next day the chairs were back, with their names on the chairs, again they thought it was a game, and then realized they were conditioned into sitting in their assigned seats, and if anyone tried to move back, ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE!  So, a seating chart was necessary.  Now!  I also had to install, a no excuse movement policy, if anyone tried to talk to their neighbor, they would be moved, no ifs ands or buts.  After two successful tries, they stopped.  Sadly that was at the end of my assignment, but at least the teacher got a friendlier class.


Scales of justice

15. Do TRY to be fair, the hate hypocrisy.

Back to rule #5, I have to be constantly rehydrating myself per doctors orders, so I never questioned the students eating or drinking in class, I just hate mess.  But it is not fair for me to sit there and tell them no food, when I’m sipping on water and eating a granola bar when my blood sugar lowers, they will resent that, and they would end up behaving worse if a teacher was going back on his/her rules.  Now, the same goes with the phone, I rarely have my phone out unless it’s absolutely necessary, and when that happens, the students are allowed a free phone day (Reference: My cat was in the hospital, having surgery to remove her cancer.  And they were to call if any complications arose, told my students what was happening, and they behaved with their phones).  This is also a matter of being consistent as well, if one students is talking, and you punish them, punish those others who are talking to them, or after them.  While I will never see ALL talking in class, these were the ones who were louder than most.  I know sometimes you have to go against the rules you state, but these kids are understanding, even if it takes them a while to think it.


Kitten meets dog through glass door

16. Do stand up for yourself, don’t let them bully you. Even if at times you don’t feel it, YOU ARE THE ADULT!

I would like to thank you for reading my lovely notes from subbing, with the prospects of subbing again, I hope that you at least learned something from all of this, or found real world applications as to why you need a seating chart.  If you found this amusing please comment, if not, just keep your comments to yourself :p.



The Soon to be Ex-Teacher, Oracle of Dreams

16 Things I learned While Subbing – Parts 1 – 8

For those Gleeks out there, everyone knows of the famous Holly Holiday, the awesome substitute of McKinnley High School, and the paramour of Mr. Will Schuster.  Miss Holiday seemed to be the essential substitute, trying everything in her power to get the students to listen and respect her, by bringing in real world (IE real to the students) applications to teaching as a substitute.  I will have to say, I, as a sub, had to bring in Lindsey Lohan into a discussion on the Great Gatsby, by using her as Myrtle, and Joe Jonas as Tom.

Before I got my start teaching, I spent two years subbing, and in those two years, I learned some very important lessons regarding teaching, and life as a whole.  While I’m looking at the grim expectancy of losing my job at the end of the year due to budget cuts, and the whole “Last one in–first one out” law, my chances are very slim in having a job next year.

While I try not to think of what is going to happen, but instead look at the positives, I happened across an old (not really old, I purchased it in January of 2010)  mini journal book filled with do’s and don’ts I recognized in the process of substituting for different teachers.  I also would like to acknowledge that from here on out, these rules were based on the single fact that you cannot trust teenagers, even-though some are very trust worthy and will not take you for granted, the majority of teenagers are sniveling little backstabbers that would sooner defy you than listen to you, and take advantage of a lenient restroom policy.  FYI teachers do get notices of students with bladder/stomach problems now, so if you bring that up, it’s just a moot point.  That idea has not changed since I started subbing…completely honest, teenagers haven’t changed…I just got a stiffer back bone.

A Moleskin Safari

1. Do take down student info.

While some of you may be scratching heads at this one, the fact is fairly simple.  As a substitute, the students, even though with revolutions in seating charts with the child’s face on it, will always try to pretend to be someone other than who they are.  Some will try to gain the substitute’s trust then squash it like yesterday’s left over gum.  While the teacher and substitutes try to thwart the ever-increasing problem of student behavior, having some tricks up your sleeve will work.  One I noticed in one teacher’s classroom, that I use to this day was to have, at the beginning of the school year, the student fill out two note cards, one with their name, student ID number, and House (if the school was separated into learning communities), and on the other, the same, but with their email, Facebook account, Twitter account, parent/guardian’s phone number, birthdate, address and zip code.  In the corner would be the period the student belongs to.  While as a substitute, I would never see the second note card, the teacher always left card one for me to view, with a nice cut out of the students face.  This was to help the sub figure out who was the problematic student, and write the referral for the AP’s discretion.  The second one is only used by the teacher to make calls or emails to the student or their parent/guardian in an effort to control problematic behavior.  The Facebook and Twitter will come next.

Facebook/Twitter Icon

2. Do set up Twitter and Facebook accounts for postings of school work.

In the age where someone can post an image on Facebook, or say something offensive on twitter and subsequently lose their jobs (*Cough* Gilbert Godfrey), these applications can help in a teaching situation.  I noticed one simple thing while substituting, the students are either, A) Texting on their phone while pretending to be listening to class, or B) texting on Facebook/Twitter while pretending to be listening to class.  For a teacher of the modern world, your phone is a great portal to the outside world.  Facebook and Twitter are at the tip of your fingers, and some school districts are also allowing access for teachers to this great tool.  Students are always either on their phone or their computer, and a great majority of students will be on either Facebook or Twitter, therefore in theory, they have no excuse to go to a class-oriented page and look up their homework or test for the next day if it is posted on Facebook.  Many students in my perspective have appreciated this aspect of my classroom, since I post class work on the page and take it down after a week.  I also have a class calendar on it as well, along with updates to my students on tests and project due dates.  Of course common sense is not to post photos of my students or myself on this page, but I did make a snazzy class identity for students to know who I am on Facebook.

Studio 6: Desk

3. Do TRY, TRY, TRY to be organized!!!

This application translates into every day living, it also translates into teaching.  I have subbed for some of the cleanest teachers, and some of the most messy teachers to where they couldn’t find the work I left for them that day on their desk.  It does get bad, and not only that, I do stand by the old proverb “Cleanliness is next to godliness.”   It is hard as a substitute and a teacher to work in constant mess, and at times I would stay till six in the afternoon just to clean off the mess on my desk.  My own office is almost godlike, in organization, as my closet it, as you have seen from some photographs, but a lot of the organization came with time and effort on my part.  But as a teacher, it is highly possible to lose work on a messy desk, that’s why I redid my entire classroom the second six weeks of class to prevent the need of constantly fighting my messiness, and ended up with an organizer (from the Container Store no less), for my entire week.  I also bring my students in to grab their work that has already been graded to prevent clutter.  It’s all about training the students!


4. Do Not be responsible for lost pages.

This is one that I have to explain, and it kind of goes with organization.  See, in subbing and teaching, students have a tendency to lose their work, be it turned in the next week, the next day, or the next minute, students will lose their work.  What I’ve done to remedy this is to start a notebook, in which I place page numbers on all notes, worksheets, and book work, and have a notebook test to test what they have.  While in theory this is supposed to prevent the loss of work, I will admit that these students can lose their heads, if they weren’t attached to their cell phones and I do have students who fail the notebook test due to them not really wanting to take care of their notebook in the first place.  While long-term subbing, I had a class that everyday would ask me for work that they lossed and it bothered me to no end, so the notebook system came up, and that seemed to prevent the loss of work.  It really bothered me that they were unable to take responsibility for their own actions and neglect the responsibilities for school work.  I can say that at times I will have less than 5 students who do not turn in their work, but that was a hard road to challenge, and it is something I still struggle/work with to this day.


5. Do Not Allow students to keep the classroom dirty!

For those who remember the whole  “You cannot eat in the classroom” bit, the rules have changed, students hate that they cannot eat every single moment of the day, and will hide food in their bags to prevent this rule.  So some teachers have accommodated this a bit, and they do allow the students to eat in the classroom, the problem is that some teachers will be good about making the students clean the classroom of their mess, while others struggle with the students inability to clean up after themselves.  Some students are even so bad as to say “Its the custodian’s job to clean up after me.”  That may be, but it’s not polite, or sanitary to have five other classes to sift through your mess just to get the janitor to clean up after you.  My thing is sanitation, its disgusting for me to go through piles of used milk cartons, half eaten pizzas and apples, and left over ice cream wrappers, to make me realize that my students are slobs.  I remedied that.  After weeks of trial and error, I started showing my students what the whole place looks like after a week of not allowing the janitor to clean my classroom.  They got the point almost immediately, and constant nagging also helped as well.  Now I have a clean classroom, and the students are not eating as much in class.


 6. Do not allow students to have phones/mp3’s out for ANY REASON unless given permission.

While the obvious answer to this question is “DO NOT ALLOW THEM PERIOD”, it is a losing battle regarding phones and teenagers.  Unless there is legislation making it illegal for ANYONE to have a phone on school premises, this problem will not remedy itself.  For some teachers, they’ve used this problem into a solution, by integrating the technology into classroom learning.  I myself use the phone as a means of students to look up information for a focus and reward them for the treat.  Then class starts and phones are put away, I still have problems, and I don’t think they’ll ever be completely resolved, but I do have students listening to me at least.  What I have noticed is that mp3 can be used as nifty treats for students who are working on busy work.  By busy work, I mean the worksheet, or research to a lesson at hand that they can listen to music without being interrupted, this does alleviate classroom chitchat and enhances a group work environment, and I also use it as a treat after a test.  I guess the lesson here, is not to fight it, embrace the techno culture, and realize that these kids have an electronic addiction, one only remedied for them to realize that technology itself is not needed to satisfy life.

Charmin Restrooms - (85/2584)

7. Do not let them pile on to go to the restroom.

As a substitute, this was a problem, students were always asking me to go to the restroom once the period started, many were in fact not coming back once allowed to use the restroom.  This ruined the privileges to others who definitely asked to use the restroom.  So as a sub, I started the policy of no one is allowed to go to the restroom unless the person going comes back.  So if the student goes to the vending machines, then all privileges and food to the restroom are losed for the entire class.  As a teacher I have implemented the idea that no one in class is allowed to use the restroom until they finish their work.  This also alleviates constant restroom complaints, and I don’t have an interrupted class.  I know some of you are thinking about the students who do have problems, and need to use the restroom, I as a sub and a teacher are given information regarding the state of students, some teachers even write down names of in need students, so I know who to allow and who not to.  It’s not so bad either, because those students are the ones who DON’T abuse the restroom privileges.   It’s a matter of trusting the students to do the right thing, and punishing the whole to get the point across, it is also knowledge and trying to outsmart them at every turn.

Emmet Gowin at Doylestown Photography Club

8. Do Always have a power point-set up at the beginning of class.

This came after a long-term assignment.  The kids were always getting confused at the end of the period, trying to figure out what they were doing for the day, what the homework was, etc.  So I started setting up power points that allowed the students to see what the days work was going to be, before, during and at the end of  class.  This PowerPoint had the day listed at the top, the Objective for the day, the chronological order the class will go in, nifty trivia regarding the lesson at hand (random trivia for test and quizzes), and the students birthday’s for the day!  It really helped class morale, they enjoyed the fact that I acknowledged their birthday, and even other classes were amused at what I was doing, especially the other teacher’s class.  This also helped classroom management, because they knew exactly what was expected of them, and the loss of Birthday privileges on the PowerPoint.  I love self-absorbed teenagers!

This is it for now, I hope you enjoyed these interesting tidbits of my experiences while subbing.  If you’re offended in any way, just look at some of the teenagers out there, and realize that I teach in public school, I have to do some serious training to get some of these kids to listen to me, and respect me since I haven’t aged since I was 16.


The Teaching Obsessed Oracle of Dreams

Fat Like Me…

For the last few weeks, I have been dealing with the impending death of my cat Cletus, and as a result, I’ve been stress eating and have been too depressed to work out.  To my dismay today, as I put on my favorite slacks for class I realized that not only did they not fit around my waist, they gave me camel toe!!! EEEK!

What worries me more is that I’m headed to Michigan on Wednesday, and I feel like I’m not going to fit any of the clothes I tried to pack.  What I”m going to do for the next few days is a rigorous amount of exercising, and dieting, nothing too severe, just enough to bring me back from what I was last week.

For the majority of my life, I was always on the slim side, I could eat whatever I wanted, and not gain weight.  I thought it was awesome, and ignored the signs that were glooming at me.  For one, I noticed that on one side of the family, the women were trim, sometimes on the verge of skinny, while on the other, the women gained weight at the drop of a hat.

My problem with weight began when I was in high school.  I was accepted into the Barbizon School of Modeling, and I was very pleased with myself, I worked out in Marching Band, and was an active high school-er, and fit into a trim size 2.  While there, they kept telling me I was heavy, sure I had baby fat, but I always assumed that it would eventually taper off as I got older.  I had some friends who criticized me for being a model and having tummy fat, and saying that I was too fat to model.  My self-esteem at the time was so low, that I felt fat, and spent a year, trying to control the weight gain and loss I experienced through my disastrous food problem (or as I saw it).

When I got to college, I was walking everywhere, I was feeling fit, I worked out, and I still ate like a frat boy on payday, but then I was also drinking alcohol, and I still had my little tummy pooch as I called it.  But being with my group of friends, they encouraged me to love myself for who I was, but when I would get home from school, my boyfriend’s mother and my mother would always point out the extra weight I had gained in college.  While it was of no concern with me moving from a 5 at the end of high school to a 7 after my sophomore year in college, and supposed that on my ever-increasing hips, I come from a very hip oriented family.

By the time my senior year in college came, I was bordering on a size 10, my self-esteem was shot to hell, and I was looking for a reason to lose weight.  I enrolled in a hip hop class, drove my car to school, but parked it from the furthest spot possible, and walked to the majority of my classes and took the stairs.  That helped me move from a 10-ish back to a 9, but I needed to do more, what helped was that I was also working in a warehouse, and I was able to trim back about 10 pounds, and then I ended up working out after my hip hop class and that brought me back to a 7 for the rest of my senior year, even after I only had one class left the spring semester, I just worked out more, and ate better, mostly pastas, salads, lean beef and pork, more chicken, and yogurt, were all I could afford and it did wonders, my doctor told me I was in great health.

When I moved back home after college, I still stayed trim but most of that was from a serious depression, where I barely ate, couldn’t do anything but play video games and not much else, I stayed at a 7, and realized that it was more of out of my body shape, and not much else.  I was happy in my size 7, and proceeded to work at an Adult Novelty Store, since it was the only job offered to me at the time.  There, the fast food binge came, everyday for every meal (which would be two meals Breakfast and Lunch, or Lunch and Dinner).  I met Donald at that time too, so I was happy again, and Donald and I started our eat outs, pizzas and such, and my weight slowly started to creep back up.  I tried running, working out, and eat less, but the fact I was happy and that I could now easily get bored, I started eating in between meals, snacking, and drinking more and more Dr. Pepper, to the point I could possibly have a blood transfusion from Dr. Pepper alone.  That and I love salt…absolutely love salt.

My self-esteem started to waver, I started to feel sorry for myself, and I tried everything I could to stop my overeating, and I was able to halt myself at a size 9.  For about three years, I grew comfortable with my 9 status, and looked fit enough for people to not realize that I was a 9 anyway, I would rip tags off my clothes because the numbers would make me depressed, but I looked good and healthy, I was always a healthy person, even after starting Hobby Lobby, I stayed at a 9.  It wasn’t until this past year that my weight began to surge into 10 status…double digits…it started to effect my style choices.  Clothes that hit my tummy, long sweaters that hid my tummy, pants that cinched my tummy.  I was a modern enough woman to realize that pant size wasn’t what made me feel loved, isn’t want made me feel accepted, but the more I looked at the double-digit number, the more I began to fear me becoming what I most dreaded…my cousins.  They are in the size 18-20 areas and call me fat or go around behind my back and call me pregnant, because I could not get clothes fast enough to hide my ever-increasing pant size.

via flickr

Out of fear, I went to the Gyno and got a pregnancy test, because weight increase like this, had to have been due to a pregnancy…no not pregnant.  Then I thought, maybe I have a thyroid problem, so I get blood work done (without insurance btw) and no, no thyroid problems.  I couldn’t figure out what this increase was, eating healthy was my mantra, and I reduced Dr. Pepper intake to once a day to fulfill my needs for caffeine addiction.

Most of this comes from the fact that I shouldn’t have my self-esteem based on how much I weighed, but I do.  I feel at times I’m the most enlightened woman there is, and then I doubt that because I feel like my teeth are not white enough, I’m still breaking out like a teenager, or my weight is spiraling out of control.  I shouldn’t have these vanity ideas as a reason behind me being self-conscious, but I am.  I have taken measures to see this out, but my cat dying (which is no reason in and of itself) and stress about loosing my job due to budget cutbacks and put my self-esteem in a downward spiral, moving farther and farther into depression a dark place I never wanted to be back in.

Dreamers, have you ever felt the same way, that your size is a definition of who you are as a person.  Have you ever felt that vanity reasons are reasons enough for you to hate yourself even more?


The self-obsessed Oracle of Dreams